HOUSTON—As the NCAA men’s basketball championship approaches, UConn and San Diego State are bracing for a contest so momentous that it reportedly “means everything,” narrowly edging out life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in recent Gallup polls.

Fans, analysts, and existential philosophers alike are speculating which team will truly want the 2023 national title just a hair more than “absolutely everything.” UConn forward Tyler Hawley, trembling with purpose, stated, “This game means everything to me. I mean, everything—like, if I lose, I won’t even eat pizza again. And I love pizza. That’s the stakes.”

San Diego State head coach Brian Mitchem downplayed the pressure, countering, “Honestly, I told the guys it’s just a game, right after I made them watch a 47-minute PowerPoint on ancient Aztec battle strategies and reminded them that an entire city’s emotional stability rests on their performance.”

Meanwhile, NCAA spokesperson Janet Rollins confirmed that this year’s tournament saw all four No. 1 seeds miss the Elite Eight, spurring speculation that seed numbers may now be assigned via a spin-the-wheel app. “Seriously, we’re going full chaos next year—anyone with access to a gym can qualify,” Rollins said. “We’re expecting a strong showing from the Boise YMCA.”

As game time nears, the nation awaits with bated breath, already prepping their social media posts to remind whichever team loses that the game, in fact, actually meant nothing.