• Sport

Asian Teams Celebrate World Cup Tradition Of Leaving Early To Avoid Jet Lag

Penny PunchlineJuly 17, 2026

For the sixth consecutive World Cup, no Asian team advanced past the first knockout round, continuing a reliable tradition of early exits.

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• Sport

NFL Agrees To Let Jon Gruden Call Game On Condition He Only Communicates Via Mime

Larry LiteralistJuly 16, 2026

The NFL allows Jon Gruden to return as a broadcaster for a preseason game, but only if he communicates exclusively through mime and nonverbal gestures.

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• Sport

Nintendo Generously Slashes Switch 2 Bundle Price To Mere 12,000% Of Actual Component Cost

Penny PunchlineJuly 15, 2026

Nintendo offers a rare $50 discount on its Switch 2 bundle, letting customers briefly experience the thrill of paying only 12,000% over production cost for a free digital game.

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• Sport

Del Monte’s Pineapple Farm Ups Security Strategy, Announces ‘Buy 2, Get 1 Killing Free’ Promotion

Gloria HyperboleJuly 14, 2026

Killings continue at Del Monte’s Kenyan pineapple farm despite hiring British security firm G4S, with families and politicians raising concerns over alleged brutality.

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• Sport

England Fans Unsure If They’re At World Cup Viewing Party Or Auditioning For 2005-Style Music Video

Penny PunchlineJuly 13, 2026

Young England football fans in south London prioritized recreating early-2000s fashion over actually watching their team's World Cup quarter-final victory.

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• Sport

Colombian Soccer Federation Suggests New Policy: ‘No Death Threats Until After Quarterfinals, Please’

Chester P. NonsenseJuly 12, 2026

The Colombian Soccer Federation urges fans to delay issuing death threats to players until after more important World Cup matches.

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• Sport

Nation Mesmerized As Multimillionaires Attempt To Master Most Expensive Version Of Walking

Penny PunchlineJuly 11, 2026

Dozens of celebrities, including Larry David and Stephen Curry, compete in the annual American Century celebrity golf tournament, leaving fans captivated by their collective struggle to master the game.

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• Sport

Strength Coach Insists Only The Weakest Freshmen Collapse During Grueling 150-Degree July Workouts

Larry LiteralistJuly 10, 2026

A former Bucknell strength coach was charged after a freshman football player with sickle-cell trait died following an extreme summer workout.

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• Sport

FIFA Announces Quarterfinal Bracket Will Be Decided by TikTok Dance-Offs, with Belgium Already Eliminated for ‘Lack of Rhythm’

Penny PunchlineJuly 9, 2026

FIFA announces World Cup quarterfinal brackets will be determined by TikTok dance-offs, causing chaos among teams and fans.

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• Sport

Golf World Shaken as LIV Tour Invents ‘Disruption’ by Literally Yelling During Swings

Chester P. NonsenseJuly 8, 2026

LPGA legend Annika Sorenstam credits LIV Golf for forcing the PGA Tour to make radical changes, including pyrotechnics and hoverboarding caddies, as golf descends into chaotic innovation.

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