WASHINGTON—Speaking from a hastily assembled press conference in the White House broom closet, former President Donald Trump announced Sunday that his recently launched investigation into the Jeffrey Epstein files will now focus primarily on individuals named ‘Epstein’ who have absolutely nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein, insisting this bold new strategy would unmask ‘the real culprits.’

“I want total transparency,” Trump declared, gesturing to a stack of redacted phone books. “That’s why I’m demanding the release of everything on Ethan Epstein, Edna Epstein, and maybe that dentist in Boca who did Melania’s cousin’s crown—no relation, but you can never be too careful.”

When asked whether the maneuver was intended to shield Trump or his allies from potential embarrassment, Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) told reporters, “Look, I’m all for investigations, as long as they don’t investigate anyone I know, or anyone I might have met at Mar-a-Lago, or anyone I’ve ever liked on Facebook. That just seems reasonable.”

White House spokesperson Janine Flufferson explained, “We’re confident that no evidence of wrongdoing will be found in the files on Jane Epstein, a second-grade teacher from Des Moines. If anything, we might find someone forgot to turn in their homework.”

Meanwhile, Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna stated, “This may be the first time in history someone’s launched an investigation into an investigation into people who aren’t even people of interest. My head hurts.”

As the House prepared to subpoena several thousand phone directories, experts confirmed that if anything, the American public would soon have unparalleled access to the complete genealogical history of everyone named Epstein except, tragically, Jeffrey.