TAMPA—Fears of unprecedented political upheaval swept the nation Monday as former President Donald Trump once again challenged President Joe Biden to a winner-takes-all golf match, insisting that ‘real leaders settle things on the back nine.’

‘Joe’s afraid—he knows I have the best swing, maybe in history,’ Trump declared to reporters at the Mar-a-Lago Mini Golf Emporium, where he was seen autographing a sand wedge for an adoring crowd. ‘Frankly, everyone’s saying it. He’s hiding out, working on his short game, but it’s not going to help.’

According to insiders, Trump offered to let Biden use a golf cart equipped with GPS, OnStar, and a Life Alert button. ‘We’re even letting Sleepy Joe take a mulligan on every swing,’ Trump campaign aide Buddy Foreman confirmed. ‘It’s the most generous offer in presidential history.’

The Biden camp responded cautiously, with press secretary Penny Duff maintaining, ‘President Biden is focused on putting for America, not for par.’ She later clarified that Biden would only participate if the course offered senior discounts and free applesauce at the turn.

Political analyst Rex Mulligan warned, ‘If this match happens, the winner might as well choose the next Supreme Court justice. The consequences are unimaginable.’

As of press time, both campaigns were in heated negotiations over the rules—Trump insisting on water hazards shaped like his face, while Biden pushed for nine holes, a nap break, and extra Advil.