PHILADELPHIA—In a move that stunned absolutely no one except perhaps herself, former Trump attorney Alina Habba was declared ineligible to serve as New Jersey’s top federal prosecutor after an appeals court ruled that ’57 episodes of Law & Order’ does not count as legal experience.

The Third Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Monday that Habba, who reportedly believed ‘US Attorney’ was just a clever nickname for her group chat, lacked the necessary qualifications to run the federal prosecutor’s office. Judges cited concerns after Habba attempted to submit her résumé as evidence and accidentally attached a Wordle score.

In a statement, Habba expressed confusion. ‘No one told me there were actual applications,’ she said, adding, ‘I thought this was like Survivor: Mar-a-Lago, where you just don’t get voted off.’

White House spokesperson Gary Trumpovich defended Habba’s surprise tenure, noting, ‘The President has always believed in putting loyal friends in positions of enormous legal consequence, regardless of technicalities like, well, the law.’

New Jersey resident and frequent court-bystander Sal Mangiapane was more forthright: ‘Listen, I saw her trying to enter the courthouse through a revolving door for ten minutes. Maybe this wasn’t the right gig.’

At press time, Habba had reportedly applied to be Surgeon General, citing her experience watching four seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and putting a Band-Aid on Don Jr.’s paper cut.