MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Following a landmark court order demanding Google stop tying its own payment system to the Play Store and allow third-party links, the tech giant unveiled a bold new policy: every time an app links to an outside store, Google will celebrate your freedom of choice with a $2–$4 charge per app install.

“We want to empower developers to explore exciting new billing avenues — just as long as they remember who built the avenue and maintain it at great personal profit,” explained Google spokesperson Drew Feece through a live-streamed Terms & Conditions recital. “App developers now have more choices than ever, as long as they choose to pay us for each instance of not choosing us.”

Developers eager to escape Google’s walled garden will first need to enroll in the newly announced ‘Freedom Is Not Free’ program by January 28, agreeing to a 14-page declaration of independence and a monthly audit of their liberation. Payments will be conveniently and automatically deducted via Google Play Billing, regardless of any alternative billing used.

“It’s a small price to pay for tastefully curated freedom,” said Taylor Moolah, lead counsel for Google’s Monetization Happiness Division. “If you think about it, freedom from Google has never been this affordable.”

Indie dev Sandra Byte, who attempted to take advantage of the new alternative links, reportedly received a congratulatory email from Google. “We’re proud of you for asserting your independence,” read the email, “and we’ve charged your account $146. Congratulations again!”