UNITED STATES — As the traditional week of total aimlessness between Christmas and New Year’s drags on, millions of Americans are marking the holiday by performing their annual rite: buying heavily discounted gadgets they already own versions of.
“If I don’t save $350 on the Pixel 10 Pro XL this week, my entire financial system collapses,” said 39-year-old deal hunter Madison Kiefer, surrounded by a shrine of unopened Pixel 9, 8, and 7 devices. “My therapist told me buying the same phone every year is how I prove my existence.”
Retailers have responded with what experts are calling “maximum aggressive benevolence,” slashing prices on everything from Nintendo Switch games to bowel-warming Anker power banks. “Nothing says you love yourself like a third copy of The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom,” said Best Buy spokesperson Lisa Cyberthrift. “I personally own one for each room in my house.”
Google’s new Pixel 10 lineup is leading the charge, offering the latest AI-powered features, stunning 6.8-inch OLED screens, and peace of mind for consumers who live in constant terror that their phone might be 0.01 seconds slower than their neighbor’s. “I just upgraded two days ago, and now I need to upgrade again because of the price drop,” sighed Kansas resident Ben Hollingsworth. “If I don’t, how will people know I respect myself?”
Industry insiders report this week’s discounts are so steep that next year’s Pixel 11 will come pre-bundled with a therapist and a commemorative Nintendo Switch cartridge labeled ‘You’re Fine, Actually.’
