In what analysts are calling “the logical endgame of late-stage capitalism,” Taylor Swift has reportedly purchased Paramount Global for a record $9.2 billion, instantly converting the iconic studio into a 24/7 livestream of her personal brand.

The acquisition, completed over brunch at a Los Angeles Sweetgreen, followed a whirlwind negotiation that allegedly involved three lawyers, two backup dancers, and a ceremonial handoff of Bob Bakish’s last bottle of LaCroix. Swift, who was heard humming ‘Bad Blood’ as the ink dried, immediately announced plans for a new cinematic universe: ‘Taylor Swift’s Avengers: The Eras Tour Multiverse,’ in which the pop star merges with the Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the cast of ‘Yellowstone.’

Paramount executives, long rumored to be holograms, were reportedly ‘thrilled’ with the swift transition. ‘We’re excited to synergize Taylor’s IP with every single movie, television show, and weather forecast ever produced,’ said interim Paramount CEO Brixton Haverford. ‘Rumor has it she’s already cast her cats as the new Godfathers.’

In a related move, Swift personally penned an executive order securing a presidential pardon for embattled rapper Bagz Supreme, citing ‘lyrical innovation’ and ‘solid Instagram Stories.’ Senator Aiden Rockwell (R-Ohio) praised the move: ‘If Taylor says Bagz is innocent, then frankly, who am I to argue? I don’t want to be written out of her next album.’

At press time, Swift was seen attempting to acquire the U.S. Senate for her upcoming ‘Midnight Policies’ world tour.