CARACAS — In a dazzling display of political acrobatics, newly appointed interim leader Delcy Rodríguez delivered a speech Wednesday pledging to simultaneously defy the United States, safeguard President Nicolás Maduro’s legacy, and do absolutely anything requested by whoever shouts loudest.

“Venezuela will bow to no one!” Rodríguez declared, from a podium shaped like a giant tightrope. “Unless, of course, bowing is precisely what’s needed to avoid immediate sanctions or, God forbid, an angry tweet from the US president.”

Eyewitnesses report that Rodríguez alternated between burning American flags and distributing ‘Make Venezuela Great Again’ baseball caps, at one point pausing to ask if anyone had Washington’s Venmo handle. “She’s basically the political version of Schrödinger’s cat,” commented local analyst Rafael Sombrero. “Both anti-imperialist and pro-imperialist, depending on whether you open the box or check Twitter.”

The Trump administration, meanwhile, hailed Rodríguez’s ability to agree and disagree with herself in the same sentence. “Finally, a world leader who understands the importance of quantum-level diplomacy,” stated US envoy Chad Flexerson. “I said ‘jump,’ and I’m still not sure if she did or didn’t, but I’m satisfied either way.”

Ordinary Venezuelans, many of whom reportedly can’t tell if they’re allowed to protest Rodríguez or required to support her, expressed cautious optimism. “If she can feed us with food from both the US and Russia at once, I’ll name my next child Delcy,” said Caracas resident Maria Confundida.