CUPERTINO, CA—In a move that has sent waves through the love-triangle-ridden world of big tech, Apple and Google have officially announced that they are ‘going steady,’ with Apple’s Siri virtual assistant entering an exclusive relationship with Google’s Gemini AI models. The partnership, which insiders describe as ‘an extremely committed situationship,’ is set to take effect in 2026, giving both companies ample time to figure out how to split custody of user data.

‘After months of swiping right on every AI company in Silicon Valley, we realized our true soulmate was right beside us this whole time—harvesting slightly different metadata,’ confessed Apple’s Senior Vice President of Emotional Exclusivity, Jordyn Pippin. ‘We’re excited for Siri to become even more attentive, intrusive, and passive-aggressive, just like our users have come to expect.’

Industry observers note that prior to this partnership, Apple had flirted with OpenAI and Anthropic, allegedly sending late-night texts about ‘future agentic capabilities’ and ‘personalized experiences.’ But sources say it was Google’s Gemini that finally swept Apple off its feet with promises of superior hallucinations and the ability to misinterpret commands in over 40 languages.

‘It’s really just about compatibility,’ explained Google’s Chief Algorithmic Matchmaker, Dirk Bramble. ‘Our Gemini AI is the perfect fit for Siri—together, they can ignore user questions on a scale never before seen.’

Users seem divided about the deal. ‘I always suspected Siri and Google Assistant had something going on,’ sighed longtime iPhone user Tara Lentz. ‘But if this means my phone will only misunderstand me in one cohesive voice, I’m ready to support their union.’