BEIJING—Following the announcement of a record-shattering $1 trillion trade surplus, Chinese officials assured a jittery world Thursday that America’s relentless tariffs had done little more than make its surplus sound even more impressive in press releases.

“We thank President Trump’s administration for their creative approach to global economics,” said Liu Fang, China’s Vice Minister of Smug Announcements, during a press conference conducted while standing on a literal mountain of unsold toasters. “We look forward to shipping three free air fryers to every American adult, since apparently you can’t escape our products even if you try.”

The record-breaking surplus comes despite newly reimposed tariffs, aggressive federal tweets, and what economists are calling the “Buy American Or Else” campaign, in which the White House personally calls citizens caught using TikTok or eating with chopsticks. Experts say that rather than slow China’s export juggernaut, the tariffs merely forced them to invent 12,000 new ways to hide Chinese-made goods inside everything from bananas to children’s toys labeled ‘Absolutely Not Made In China.’

“I keep buying replacement parts for my Freedom Grill, but every time I open the box, it’s a note from Xi Jinping wishing me a nice day,” complained Nebraska homeowner Chuck McDonough, examining a suspiciously sturdy phone charger. “I’m not sure who’s winning.”

While Washington debates next steps—rumored to include a plan to rename all tariffs ‘Freedom Surcharges’—China has begun exporting to Antarctica, the Moon, and “several promising customers on Mars,” according to sources.

“We welcome new markets who aren’t so emotionally attached to their lawnmowers,” Liu Fang added, bowing politely atop an export-ready pile of American flags.