In a bold move to address decades-old allegations, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage performed a flawless ‘non-apology’ live on the BBC, expressing deep sorrow to anyone who was ‘genuinely’ hurt by his alleged racist and antisemitic behavior at Dulwich College—provided they can prove said hurt via notarized letter.

‘If I have, by some statistical anomaly, possibly hurt anyone, which I very much doubt, then I suppose I’m sorry in a hypothetical sense,’ Farage clarified, while adjusting his Union Jack cufflinks. He further invited the mathematically injured to contact his office with a reference number for expedited empathy services.

School contemporary and filmmaker Peter Ettedgui, who raised the initial allegations, said the apology was ‘like receiving a voucher for empathy redeemable only on leap years.’ Ettedgui added, ‘I believe Farage is truly sorry that this has become public.’

Farage’s close adviser Rodney Bletchley explained, ‘Nigel is pioneering the art of the remorse-adjacent gesture. It’s less costly than a full apology, and it doesn’t commit him to any dangerous notions of accountability.’

Farage later attempted to sweeten the gesture by offering to apologize directly to offended individuals, so long as they agreed to purchase a copy of his upcoming memoir, ‘No Regrets, But If I Did, Here’s Why.’

Former Dulwich College classmate Lydia Plumbridge summed up the event: ‘It’s the most emotion I’ve ever seen from Nigel. Next, he might even consider a condolence if someone loses a sock.’