BRUSSELS—European Union officials announced Thursday that a €90 billion loan will be handed to Ukraine in the second quarter, describing it as ‘the perfect amount to buy victory, or at least, several thousand high-quality motivational posters.’ EU Economy Commissioner Valdis Dombrovskis spoke candidly, noting, ‘We imagine this will cover at least one week’s worth of ammunition, two weeks if they really start couponing.’

Asked about the timing of the release, Dombrovskis explained, ‘We were waiting for the exchange rate to get worse, just to maximize the challenge. Besides, nothing boosts morale like bureaucratic suspense.’

German Vice Chancellor Lars Klingbeil, attending the IMF spring meetings, emphasized the importance of solidarity. ‘We can’t let Russia win the Iran war, mostly because we still haven’t figured out what that means,’ he clarified. ‘Our commitment to Ukraine is unwavering. Well, maybe lightly trembling.’

Meanwhile, as Russia launched its most dramatic drone attack in weeks, Ukrainian finance minister Serhiy Marchenko expressed gratitude. ‘We are thankful for this new lifeline,’ he said. ‘With this loan, we can afford both new air defense interceptors and possibly a slightly larger ceremonial flag.’

Donald Trump also weighed in, stating, ‘I think it’s terrible—just terrible—what’s happening. No one hates war more than I do, believe me, except maybe NATO, which frankly hasn’t done a thing since World War II.’

EU leaders assured the public that ongoing meetings would continue, with more loans discussed for any other country that appears on a map and has recently experienced shelling.