In an unprecedented crisis for Australia’s real estate sector, property investors are being asked to engage with the radical notion that houses should be purchased based on ‘actual profitability’ rather than blind faith in ever-rising prices. The move, widely described as ‘traumatic’ by those involved, has sparked nationwide confusion among investors accustomed to buying four-bedroom cottages in Newcastle for the price of a small moon.

Leading economist Trevor Spalding warned, ‘We’re entering uncharted territory. Investors who have never even seen the inside of their properties are now expected to examine rental yields and maintenance costs. Frankly, they’re frightened.’

For decades, government policy has encouraged risk-free speculation by treating real estate like a magical asset class immune to economic gravity. But with home prices rumored to be influenced by supply, demand, and other witchcraft, panic is setting in. Fiona Lark, who owns 11 units in Dubbo, expressed her distress: ‘I always thought negative gearing was a birthright. Now you’re telling me I have to add numbers together? That’s not what I signed up for.’

First home buyer Max Chen remained skeptical that his luck would change, citing policy inertia. ‘They say there’s now space for people like me, but unless my avocado toast turns into a deposit, I’m not holding my breath.’

A government spokesperson assured distressed landlords that while decades of policy failure were a factor, emergency seminars in ‘basic arithmetic’ would soon be available at every Westfield shopping centre.