WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump took decisive action this week to ensure smooth elections by personally firing the remaining three members of the Election Assistance Commission, the sole federal agency tasked with keeping elections slightly less chaotic than a Thanksgiving food fight.

“Frankly, having people watch the elections was making everyone anxious,” Trump told reporters while autographing a stack of blank ballots. “I say let’s trust the process and, if possible, me.”

The White House has clarified that the three now-former commissioners will be replaced with a rotating panel of Trump golf caddies and ‘anyone who doesn’t ask too many questions.’ In a statement, new interim commissioner and longtime Mar-a-Lago salad bar attendant, Dale Finster, announced, “We’re modernizing things. From now on, voters can just text their favorite candidate’s name, or mine, to a secure number. Probably my personal cell.”

Critics, meanwhile, have sounded the alarm. Felicia Swanson, senior analyst at the Center for Making Sure Elections Are Still a Thing (CMSAEST), warned, “Eliminating the EAC is a brazen act. If there are no rules left, how do we know whether to keep arguing about them on TV?”

Trump campaign spokeswoman Reggie Rybakov dismissed the uproar, insisting, “President Trump just wants everyone to have an equal opportunity to vote correctly. Which, in his view, means for him.”

As a further precaution, the President has reportedly replaced ballot boxes in several swing states with suggestion jars labeled ‘Trust Me.’