WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he was no longer pursuing a toll on ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz after Gulf states instead agreed to invest what he described as a “massive, frankly tremendous” sum into U.S. infrastructure, golf courses, and the Trump Taj Mahal Online Casino.

“Why charge a little toll when you can have a big, classy investment? Everybody wins — except Iran, of course. Their ships still have to do the loop around Antarctica,” Trump told reporters, gesturing vaguely toward a globe.

Sources say the president’s original plan to charge a $69.95 fee per supertanker was scrapped after Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman offered to fund a state-of-the-art Mar-a-Lago expansion. “We decided to bypass the toll plan in favor of what economists call ‘direct presidential enrichment,'” said White House economic advisor Buddy Greasewell, who refused to clarify whether the agreement benefited anyone besides U.S. luxury resort owners.

Oil prices have surged in response, prompting anxiety in Australia, where RBA Governor Phil Kookaburra warned, “If the president keeps launching missile strikes every time his hotels run low on caviar, we may need a fifth rate hike. Also, he keeps calling to ask if we want a Trump Tower Sydney.”

Asked about the ongoing missile strikes on Iran, Pentagon spokesman General Tripp Cruise stated, “Operation Shock and Aww, Look at These Deals is proceeding as planned. We hope the Iranians understand this was all just business — nothing personal.”

As of press time, Iranian tankers were reportedly seen attempting to disguise themselves as Carnival Cruise Line vessels to avoid detection.