SYDNEY—In a bold move to revolutionize home restoration, Australia’s major insurers have announced a strategic shift from actually repairing cyclone-damaged homes to offering homeowners what experts are calling “enough cash to buy a hammer, a roll of duct tape, and maybe a small sandwich.”

The Australian Securities and Investments Commission (ASIC) released a report Wednesday warning that the new ‘Loose Change Settlement Model’ could result in “unfair outcomes” for vulnerable homeowners, many of whom have recently learned what the word ‘underinsured’ really means.

“We want Australians to experience the thrill of home renovation,” said Liberty Palms spokesperson Chad Winstanley. “Our cash settlements let families rediscover centuries-old traditions like carpentry, masonry, and begging their brother-in-law for help.”

Critics argue the payouts are unrealistic, often covering the cost of a single roof shingle or one-fifth of a brick. “I got $573 to rebuild my entire kitchen,” said Townsville resident Rita Brandt. “So far, I’ve managed to buy a toaster and some fairy lights. The open-air look is very ‘on trend.’”

Insurers insist the program empowers consumers. “We believe it’s important for policyholders to take creative control of their own disaster,” said HomeSure executive Kevin Fetch. “Besides, nothing brings a family together like sharing a tarp.”

ASIC is calling for more ‘realistic’ payouts, though industry leaders have already countered with another innovative idea: simply mailing homeowners kind thoughts and a coupon for 10% off a wheelbarrow.