As the nation collectively prepares to ignore its 2026 New Year’s resolutions a full 18 months ahead of schedule, thousands of consumers are seizing the opportunity to throw precisely $179.99 at the new Beats Powerbeats Fit earbuds in what experts are calling ‘the boldest investment in workout delusion since the ThighMaster.’

The updated Powerbeats Fit, now available at Amazon, Best Buy, and B&H, come equipped with a revolutionary redesigned wing tip boasting 20% more flexibility—a development Beats claims will prevent the earbuds from immediately launching across the gym during vigorous bicep curls or passionate TikTok dances. ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever actually break a sweat, but now my earbuds at least believe in me,’ said Stacey Mulligan, still admiring her untouched Peloton in the background.

Beats assures customers the Powerbeats Fit’s case is smaller than ever, allowing it to be lost even more efficiently in gym bags, under car seats, and beneath existential malaise. In addition, the earbuds’ H1 chip means you can access Siri hands-free, as long as you can remember why you started working out in the first place. ‘With Find My, I spend more time locating my earbuds than pretending to jog,’ explained digital wellness influencer Chad Swanson, who estimates he burns 400 calories a day just searching for accessories.

Retailers expect a spike in sales among the segment of Americans who, according to market research, are primarily interested in fitness-related gadgets that confirm their existing lack of movement. ‘I can customize the controls so pressing the button orders me a pizza,’ confessed tech reviewer Diana Krantz. ‘Truly, the future of wellness is now.’