CUPERTINO, CA—In a monumental act of consumer therapy, millions of Americans reportedly flocked to Best Buy today, lured by a one-day-only $50 discount on Apple’s AirPods Pro 3—cutting the price to a mere $199.99, or as Apple calls it, ‘the emotional equivalent of a warm embrace during tax season.’

“I haven’t felt this alive since the limited-edition Stanley cup at Target,” said Don McElligott, 36, clutching his third pair of AirPods and gently weeping near the checkout. “Honestly, I don’t even own an iPhone. I just need to believe in something.”

Apple’s latest innovation, lauded by reviewers for its advanced noise cancellation, heart rate monitoring, live translation, and discreetly judging your taste in music, has become the preferred gift for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, graduations, and awkward neighborhood disputes. With the new XXS ear tip size, the AirPods Pro 3 now fit securely in the ears of newborn infants and certain breeds of cat.

Apple spokesperson Janice Proctor touted the product’s life-altering potential: “With AirPods Pro 3, you don’t just block out background noise—you finally get a break from your own internal monologue. Also, they whisper positive affirmations if you ask politely.”

Not to be outdone, Amazon offered the same earbuds for $139, stoking fierce tribal loyalty wars among Apple users. “I only buy from Amazon, because it’s what Steve Jobs would have wanted,” insisted tech influencer Bradley Glick, moments before realizing he was holding a box of refurbished Thermostats.

Industry analysts predict that by 2029, all forms of human connection will be conducted via low-latency AirPod signals, with physical touch reserved for firmware updates.