CUPERTINO, CA—In a bold move reflecting both technological synergy and utter surrender, Apple announced Monday it will replace Siri’s cognitive functions with Google’s Gemini AI, effectively outsourcing any semblance of intelligence to its long-time competitor.

“After years of trying to teach Siri the difference between ‘set an alarm for six’ and ‘please call my ex at 3 AM,’ we realized that Google’s AI actually knows what soup is,” Apple spokesperson Lindsay Trotter explained during a joint press conference. “We are excited to offer users a Siri that may, on occasion, answer questions within the decade.”

As part of the partnership, Siri will now respond to requests by pausing for six seconds, running an internal debate between Bard, Gemini, and a Magic 8-Ball, and then replying, “According to my sources, it’s probably raining somewhere.”

“Look, we’ve successfully convinced millions that iMessage is innovation. This partnership simply leverages our core strength: letting other people do the work,” said Apple VP of Delegation, Mark Brody. When asked if Apple’s famed privacy would be compromised, Brody replied, “Don’t worry, Gemini will only remember your secrets for ad-targeting purposes.”

Google’s Chief of Strategic Embrace, Carla Hu, added, “We’re honored to lend AI to Apple, as long as they use Chrome for all internal memos and rename Apple Park to ‘Gemini Pasture’ by 2027.”

Meanwhile, early beta tests show Siri now responds to ‘Hey Siri, what’s the weather?’ with four ads, a Gmail login prompt, and an apology for any inconvenience.