As the dust settles on Black Friday, Americans are bracing themselves for the next natural disaster: Cyber Monday deals that allegedly ‘still haven’t evaporated.’ According to consumer behavior experts, online discounts on gadgets and e-readers are now spanning a time horizon typically associated with presidential administrations, not seasonal sales.

“I went on Amazon to buy AirPods 4 for $69 and suddenly there were three more tabs open and it was Tuesday of next week,” said Lauren Mintz, 34, who has not seen her family in days but now owns 11 robot mops. “How long does Cyber Monday last? My children keep asking when it will be over. I don’t know how to answer anymore.”

Economists have noted that supply on certain items, such as the M4 MacBook Air and six-foot-long strings of Philips Hue Festavia lights, is ‘dwindling at a rate reminiscent of the Colorado River.’ However, prices are reportedly ‘creeping back up’ in a process described by Harvard Market Dynamics professor Dr. Tim Yallman as ‘the opposite of what I was promised in the banner ad.’

“We’re now living in a perpetual deal cycle,” said digital commerce analyst Karen Ruck, whose team has identified discount periods bleeding into one another so thoroughly that ‘Monday’ no longer refers to a day of the week but a state of being. “It’s like my calendar is just Amazon flash sale notifications, interrupted occasionally by a desperate plea from my bank.”

Tech reviewer Josh Beltrami confirmed, “I have reviewed 37 smartwatches since Friday. My heart rate is 210 BPM and I’ve achieved 22,000 steps, all within my own home. There are no more walls to hang my new OLED TVs. Please help.”

Researchers warn that unless action is taken, Cyber Monday deals may eventually overlap with Labor Day, the Olympics, and the concept of time itself.