WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move that experts say is “unprecedented, but only slightly more absurd than the last month of news,” Senator Mark Kelly (D-Arizona) has declared himself ‘Commander-In-Chief Now’ amid a Pentagon investigation into whether telling soldiers to disregard illegal orders constitutes treason, performance art, or simply Wednesday.

“I will not back down from telling brave Americans that laws are things and should be followed,” stated Kelly in a press conference, flanked by a cardboard cutout of George Washington and what appeared to be a ROTC club mascot. “Also, if anyone knows how to access the nuclear football, please DM me.”

The Pentagon, meanwhile, confirmed that its investigation would focus primarily on “extremely hurt feelings” stemming from the senator’s video, as well as “whether or not the word ‘illegal’ is still considered negative.”

“Senator Kelly’s actions have forced us to grapple with critical legal questions, such as: are orders more illegal or less illegal if they come with a coupon?” said Brigadier General Kip Flannel, head of the Hurt Feelings Division. “Frankly, we’ve never felt so attacked.”

Republican lawmakers immediately announced hearings into why Mark Kelly owns exactly three more American flags than the average patriot. “If you’re telling soldiers to think for themselves, you’re basically communism with legs,” said Rep. Chuck Crunch (R-Texas), filing a bill to fund a National Obedience Hotline.

Meanwhile, White House staffers clarified that all orders remain legal, provided they are printed in Comic Sans and include a smiley face emoji.