In an unprecedented display of strategic flattery, FIFA has bestowed its new FIFA Peace Prize upon Donald Trump, sending ripples of jealous rage through the upper echelons of global power. The award, announced at a lavish ceremony in Washington DC, celebrated Trump’s “exceptional contributions to peace and unity,” a surprise twist given his reputation for peace negotiations almost as subtle as a MacBook fan during a Zoom call.

Suddenly feeling the sting of missing out on this genius move, a parade of powerful organizations rushed to create their own peace prizes with names so absurd they sound like rejected salad dressings: the Goliath Harmony Laurel, the Quantum Tranquility Medal, and the International Center for Sincere Peace and Unfathomable Flattery’s Golden Trumpet of Unity.

Tech giant Globex announced the “Donald Trump Digital Peace App Award,” which comes with a lifetime subscription to “Make Peace Great Again” ringtone downloads. Meanwhile, the World Federation of Unnecessary Honors unveiled the “Absolute Trumpery Peace Medal,” ironically forged from 96% recycled Twitter feeds.

Not one to be outdone, the International Association of Giveaway Awards revealed the “Trumpet of Eternal Peace and Tremendous Greatness,” which reportedly comes with a bobblehead and a mini golden hairpiece.

FIFA officials, basking in the glory of their preemptive genius, now eye the 2026 Tossing Salad award with keen interest — a prize no one had heard of until last week, but now the hottest ticket in the back-scratching awards scene.

FIFA is now the front runner to take out the 2026 Tossing Salad award.