LEXINGTON, KY—The University of Kentucky announced Sunday evening that head football coach Mark Stoops had been fired, just hours after boldly claiming there was a “zero percent” chance he would step down, thereby violating the university’s strict Math Accuracy Policy.

University spokesperson Travis Spurlock said the firing was swift and unavoidable. “We take mathematics very seriously at Kentucky,” Spurlock stated. “When Coach Stoops said there was a zero percent chance he’d resign, but then was immediately no longer the coach, it created a logical paradox too risky for our student-athletes. Our calculus professors are still recovering.”

Players were reportedly stunned by the dismissal. “Coach Stoops always told us to give 110 percent,” said starting quarterback Riley McClintock. “Apparently, that kind of math isn’t good enough anymore. Also, I’m afraid to say anything with numbers in it now.”

Athletic Director Martha Higgs elaborated on the university’s new standards. “If our coaches can’t be trusted with basic percentages, how can we trust them with the fourth down? When Coach Stoops said ‘zero percent,’ he meant it with the same conviction he brought to our 7-5 record.”

In a hastily arranged press conference, new interim coach and statistics professor Dr. Eugene Hardwick promised to avoid such pitfalls, stating, “I vow to only make statements between 1 and 99 percent. Actually, let’s round everything to the nearest tenth to be safe.”

Students on campus are reportedly walking around in silence, unsure whether to trust their own fractions and decimals.