In a bold move to protect national security from the devastating power of acoustic guitar, a Moscow court has found 18-year-old street musician Anya Novikova guilty of ‘discrediting’ the Russian army by playing two entire verses of the forbidden Neil Young classic ‘Rockin’ in the Free World.’

Authorities report that the incident, which occurred last Tuesday at the Park Kultury metro station and lasted approximately 3 minutes and 27 seconds, posed a grave threat to the integrity of Moscow’s morning commuters and several nearby pigeons. Novikova, who was briefly seen tapping her foot in what witnesses describe as ‘a dangerously anti-patriotic rhythm,’ has been fined 30,000 roubles—the standard rate for treasonous busking.

“We cannot allow insurgent power chords to undermine the battlefield morale of our troops,” said Colonel Ivan Smirnov, head of the new Audio Threat Response Unit. “Our enemies may have missiles, but we have a strict playlist.”

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Culture, Olga Petrov, also commented: “If Russians start hearing lyrics about hope and freedom, the next thing you know, they’ll be asking questions. And then where would we be?”

Novikova’s guitar, described by police as ‘a known instrument of Western influence,’ has reportedly been confiscated and placed in a secure evidence locker where it can only play patriotic marches.

Meanwhile, the Defense Ministry has announced the rollout of the ‘EarPods of the Motherland,’ a new line of government-approved noise-canceling headphones for all service members. “With these, our brave soldiers will never have to hear critical lyrics—or the complaints of their mothers—ever again,” said Minister Sergei Rogov.