In a historic upset that has left local Republicans clutching pastel button-downs and Publix subs for emotional support, Miami has elected Democrat Eileen Higgins as its new mayor—ending 28 years of uninterrupted political humidity.

Higgins, whose campaign slogan “Yes, We Cán” was printed on biodegradable palm fronds, credited her victory to “a new day in Miami—a day with slightly less Cuban coffee but 30% more bike lanes.”

The defeated Trump-backed candidate, Emilio “El MAGA” González, reportedly reacted by launching a GoFundMe to relocate Miami’s political center to Key West, declaring, “If Miami doesn’t want red, then Key West will be the Switzerland of Florida.”

Republican precinct captain Ricardo ‘Ricky’ Vasquez lamented, “I haven’t seen a blue wave like this since the city’s algae bloom crisis. My grandma said Democrats would bring socialism; now my cafecito tastes like oat milk.”

In response, Miami Beach Association president Linda Dade issued an emergency alert, assuring residents, “While this is a seismic shift, remember: the only real change is that your HOA fees will now fund interpretive salsa-dancing crosswalks.”

At press time, city officials were examining plans to repurpose Little Havana into ‘Little Brooklyn,’ complete with gluten-free croquetas and housing prices that will make even Wynwood artists weep. Meanwhile, Higgins’ first official act as mayor is expected to be the ceremonial banning of all forms of subtlety in city politics, effective immediately.