Americans across the country are preparing to gorge themselves on a historic buffet of consumer deals this weekend, marking the annual ‘Great Savings on Stuff You Will Lose By April’ celebration. From Bose QuietComfort headphones (now just $199, or approximately one million discarded AirPods) to Astro Bot for PlayStation 5 ($32.99), citizens are encouraged to feverishly click ‘Add to Cart’ on things they didn’t realize they were missing from their lives.

“I’ve been waiting all year for a foldable car vacuum with a 210-degree nozzle and an LED display for battery life,” said Maureen Peters, a self-described Deal Enthusiast who is still unsure what ‘Huel’ is but thinks she bought some. “Thanks to Amazon, I finally have a shot at cleaning those Cheeto crumbs I haven’t seen since 2017.”

Retailers like Samsung are fueling the nationwide savings binge by attaching increasingly complicated gifts to Galaxy S26 Ultra preorders. “If you order today, you get a $200 gift card, free storage upgrade, and a certificate redeemable for one genuine connection with another human being,” said Best Buy spokesperson Jared Fung.

Experts believe that, should Americans also purchase the Sharge Pixel 100 charger and five second-gen AirTags (just $99.99 at Costco, plus a $5 surcharge for the privilege of being disappointed in person), their garages could reach ‘Peak Unopened Box’ by Monday. “This is really about owning the quietest headphones you can lose under your bed for the seventh time,” said Dr. Anna Quip, Professor of Consumer Ergonomics at QVC University.

As the weekend rages on, sources confirm the nation’s collective anxiety is now only matched by the sound of hundreds of portable vacuums running out of battery in unison.