GENEVA—In what company executives are calling a “bold step toward dietary diversity,” Nestlé has announced its new ‘Baby’s First Sugar Crash’ line of cereals, now featuring twice the sweetness of a birthday party piñata, exclusively for African markets. The innovation comes as campaigners dramatically clutch their blood glucose meters, accusing the Swiss food giant of “enthusiastically pioneering toddler insulin spikes for profit.”

In a statement, Nestlé’s Chief of Infinite Growth, Helmut Glucoseberg, explained: “If children in Europe can enjoy bland, sugar-free gruel, we think African babies deserve to know the thrill of a 9 a.m. sugar rush just like their Western adult role models. We’re fighting malnutrition one teaspoon of sucrose at a time.”

Local pediatrician Dr. Brenda Caramel issued a mixed review: “While I applaud Nestlé for addressing malnutrition, I didn’t expect them to address it with the nutritional profile of a carnival funnel cake.”

Nestlé has defended their approach, citing invaluable market research. “Our studies show African infants respond positively to brightly colored mascots and the chemical high of refined sugar,” said company spokesperson Sweetie McSprinkle. “If anything, we’re democratizing dessert for breakfast.”

Meanwhile, health advocates are calling for broader changes. “Perhaps Nestlé could add a tiny gym toy to each box,” suggested wellness influencer Kale O’Fiber. “That way, babies can learn about exercise while critiquing their sudden urge to nap.”