Burbank, CA — In a groundbreaking move sure to make sports journalism a little more collaborative, the NFL has acquired a minority stake in ESPN, paving the way for analysts to finally be honest about which league is objectively the greatest of all time: the NFL.

“We realized that the best way to ensure balanced coverage was to literally balance the books,” explained ESPN spokesperson Janet Fielder, flipping through the new employee manual titled ‘How to Love Football (and Mean It).’ “From now on, our investigative reporting will be limited to which NFL team has the tastiest Gatorade.”

Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner and now technically his own media boss, announced sweeping new editorial policies for ESPN. “We’re launching exciting new programming like ‘The NFL Hour, Sponsored by the NFL’ and ‘First Take: Why The NFL is Always Right,'” Goodell said, noting that all dissenting opinions would be fact-checked by league officials. “This is a win for fans who want more objectivity—by which I mean more NFL.”

Sources say the partnership includes plans for a new 24/7 ticker at the bottom of ESPN’s screen, reporting on important league matters like which billionaire owner has the shiniest yacht and updates on Tom Brady’s skin-care regimen. “We’re proud to bring journalistic integrity to all facets of football, provided it doesn’t make anyone in the NFL look even a little bit bad,” added ESPN’s new NFL Liaison, “Anonymous Source No More” Mr. Goodell.

Insiders at rival networks are said to be nervous, with Fox Sports already countering by offering partial ownership stakes to Major League Pickleball.