In a surprising turn of events, America’s oil industry has begged former President Donald Trump to immediately cease all efforts to support them, citing a dramatic correlation between his pro-petroleum policies and their inability to make money.

“Every time Trump tweets ‘Drill baby drill,’ our stock price drops,” lamented Chevron vice president Dirk Petromunch during a panicked call with shareholders Monday. “At this point, I’d rather he lobby for windmills.”

Industry insiders report growing concern after the Trump campaign announced plans to turn the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool into a crude oil reserve. Oil prices immediately fell 7% on the news, with traders blaming Trump’s “toxic enthusiasm.”

“We appreciate the sentiment, but we’ve lost $6 billion this quarter,” said Amanda Riggs, lead analyst for ExxonMobil, while nervously shredding a MAGA-themed gas canister. “If this goes on much longer, we’ll all be driving electric scooters out of necessity.”

A leaked memo from the American Petroleum Institute detailed an emergency rebranding campaign, including a proposed Super Bowl commercial featuring oil executives hugging solar panels. “Desperation calls for innovation,” explained PR director Buck Ruffner. “At this rate, we’ll be powering the grid with D-cell batteries before the next election.”

At press time, the industry was reportedly funding attack ads against its own interests, prompting confusion among voters and delight from Tesla shareholders everywhere.