MOSCOW — In a sweeping move to safeguard public morality and uphold national security, Russian authorities convicted 18-year-old street musician Anastasia Lebedeva on Tuesday for playing the “highly dangerous and destabilizing” G minor chord in central Moscow, sources say. According to police, the chord was a known component of the banned anti-Kremlin anthem “No More Tsars,” a song so subversive that merely humming it has been declared an act of psychological warfare.

“We cannot allow our youth to be radicalized by dissonant intervals,” said Major Dmitri Volkova, lead investigator on the case. “First, they play G minor. Next thing you know, they’re asking questions about elections.”

Eyewitnesses reported scenes of chaos in Pushkin Square as half a dozen passersby allegedly tapped their feet to Lebedeva’s performance before realizing the grave threat to Russian unity. The daring musician was swiftly apprehended, her guitar handled with bomb-disposal gloves, and sentenced to nearly two weeks in jail and a 30,000-rouble fine “to ensure the treacherous chord progression did not spread through society.”

“Her capo was set to the third fret—classic anarchist behavior,” explained cultural expert Igor Petrov, author of “Songs That Toppled Empires: Why We Love State-Controlled Radio.”

Russian Ministry of Silence spokesperson Svetlana Baranova praised the court’s verdict, announcing, “We are now one step closer to a harmonious society—preferably one where everyone just claps along to government-approved polkas.”

Asked for comment, Lebedeva said, “I guess next time I’ll just mime. But they’ll probably fine me for air guitar.”