MOSCOW—Citing the deeply destabilizing effects of C minor, Russian authorities announced Tuesday that 18-year-old street musician Daria Kuznetsova has been found guilty of ‘discrediting’ the Russian army through the performance of severely anti-Kremlin guitar riffs. Kuznetsova, apprehended earlier this month after strumming the banned ballad ‘Not My Tsar’ outside a Moscow metro station, was handed a two-week jail sentence and fined 30,000 roubles ($369), or approximately the value of 72 used guitar picks.

Officials say this bold enforcement of musical orthodoxy will serve as a warning to other rebellious bards. ‘Songs are weapons, especially when played in open tuning,’ explained Colonel Yuri Petrov of the Committee for the Acoustic Stability of the Fatherland. ‘Every time a minor chord is strummed against the motherland, a babushka somewhere faints.’

Eyewitnesses report that Kuznetsova’s performance nearly provoked a riot of toe-tapping before officers intervened. ‘I knew the moment I heard a catchy chorus that something nefarious was afoot,’ said loyal citizen Pavel Ivanov, who immediately called the dissonance hotline. ‘My feet almost started moving of their own accord.’

In response to the incident, the Ministry of Culture has issued new guidelines on permitted melodies, limiting musicians to selections from the approved playlist, which includes patriotic tunes and birdsong. As Deputy Minister Olga Smirnova clarified, ‘Freedom of expression is alive and well in Russia, provided it involves the balalaika and a positive outlook.’