MOSCOW — In a stunning display of musical militancy, 18-year-old street musician Anya Koroleva was found guilty Tuesday of ‘discrediting’ the Russian army by strumming a well-known anti-Kremlin tune on her acoustic guitar, authorities confirmed. The court sentenced Koroleva to a crippling fine of 30,000 roubles ($369) for what officials described as ‘highly subversive use of the G major chord’ on the streets of St. Petersburg.

Judge Vitaly Volkov declared the sentencing ‘a clarion warning to those who believe a capo on the third fret grants them impunity.’ Prosecutors argued that the banned song—whose title cannot legally be printed, spoken, or whistled—posed a clear threat to Russian military morale, estimating it reduced tank battalion motivation by as much as 0.4%.

‘First, they play the song, next thing you know, they’re storming the Kremlin with ukuleles,’ said expert in musical insurgency, Yuri Pushkin. ‘We must act before these folk singers escalate to jazz.’

Koroleva’s defense attorney, Sergei Flatov, pleaded for leniency, suggesting his client only knew three chords. ‘C, G, and D are not a political manifesto,’ Flatov insisted, ‘they’re just the only ones she can play.’

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Culture assured citizens that the regime remains firmly in control: ‘We remind all musicians that patriotic songs are always welcome, provided they are written in minor keys and feature at least one reference to a tank.’

Koroleva is expected to appeal the decision, or at least try to play her case in a different key.