CANBERRA—Shadow treasurer Tim Wilson announced Thursday that he has bravely cashed out his apocalyptic bet against the Australian share market, netting what he described as “a modest profit—roughly the price of a CBD cappuccino, extra shot.” Wilson confirmed he channeled these earnings to a new advocacy group for LGBT unicorns in Iran, in what political observers are calling “the most niche donation in parliamentary history.”

Wilson, whose previous investments include both solar panels and coal mines “just to be safe,” defended his wager on leveraged ASX 200 short-sell futures. “Some say it’s unusual for politicians to profit from economic ruin,” Wilson declared in parliament, “but to me, it’s just good portfolio diversification. Also, I read somewhere that Warren Buffett shorted the market in his twenties. Or maybe that was on TikTok.”

Asked about the ethics of cheering on economic collapse, Wilson replied, “My only regret is that the market didn’t tank harder. Imagine the advocacy groups I could have funded then—possibly even one for left-handed, gluten-free penguins.”

Liberal backbencher Sarah Eager praised Wilson’s transparency: “It’s inspiring to see a politician admit their investment was terrible and still expect applause for donating the proceeds. Real leadership is turning embarrassing side hustles into social justice headlines.”

An Iranian official, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed confusion: “We are still working on LGBTQ rights for humans, but if Mr. Wilson wants to send AUD$17.50 for unicorns, we will see what we can do.”

Wilson is reportedly considering his next move: a Dogecoin speculation, to benefit Taiwanese pro-bagpipe choirs.