In a historic diplomatic breakthrough, former President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he personally spoke to Chinese President Xi Jinping and offered to solve the Russia-Ukraine conflict within ’24 hours, give or take snack time,’ if only global leaders would recognize his unparalleled negotiation abilities.

According to sources close to the call, Trump congratulated Xi on China’s ‘tremendous, incredible bamboo,’ discussed the best ways to fire generals, and unveiled his detailed peace proposal, which reportedly consists of a golden map, a dozen Big Macs, and the phrase ‘Let’s Make a Deal.’ Trump’s plan relies heavily on handshakes, a deck of Trump-branded playing cards, and Xi ‘looking very seriously at Vladimir [Putin] and saying the word tremendous.’

‘President Xi was very impressed by my plan. He said, “Donald, you have all the best words,”’ Trump recounted at a campaign rally, before adding, ‘Honestly, nobody has ever solved as many wars as I have, most people don’t know that.’

White House staffers familiar with the call confirmed that Trump spent only 15 seconds discussing Ukraine before moving on to ‘the urgent need for Trump Tower: Beijing.’ ‘The call accomplished a lot,’ said Dr. Kayleigh Pinn, senior associate at the Institute for Creative Diplomacy. ‘We now know Trump believes the Great Wall was inspired by his border wall, and that he offered Xi a free Mar-a-Lago membership if peace is achieved.’

Kremlin spokesperson Ivan Borishtov praised the effort, stating, ‘If Trump can end this war, we’d gladly let him host The Apprentice: Moscow Edition.’