PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald Trump called Thursday for the United States to ‘re-examine’ all Afghan refugees by running them through ‘the highest possible security protocol: a series of polygraph readings followed by a rigorous screening involving back-to-back episodes of The Apprentice.’

“Frankly, if they can’t tell me the catchphrase from Season 5, Episode 14, they’re probably up to something,” Trump declared during a Mar-a-Lago press conference, flanked by a cardboard cutout of himself and an American flag he appeared to have autographed in crayon.

The demand comes after authorities named an Afghan national as a suspect in the Washington shooting of two national guard members. Trump insisted that ‘each and every refugee, no exceptions, should immediately be called into Trump Tower for extensive vetting—maybe a quick golf round, some questioning, and a KFC bucket of truth.’

Kellyanne Harridan, acting spokesperson for the America First Society for Unwarranted Suspicion, expressed support: “We must stop at nothing to ensure no one sneaks into our great nation with a sinister accent or unfamiliar seasoning preferences. Next time, let’s just roll out a thirty-foot lie detector at the airport.”

Meanwhile, former Vice President Mike Pence suggested a softer approach: “Perhaps a Bible trivia round, followed by a scan for any signs of empathy. That should weed out the bad apples.”

Homeland Security officials reportedly asked for clarification, with one anonymous agent noting, ‘Does he actually want us to check their Netflix history, or is that just a metaphor for something?’