WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after news broke that two National Guard members were shot in Washington, D.C., former President Donald Trump announced sweeping plans to “permanently pause” immigration from what he termed “third world countries,” helpfully defined as “anywhere that sounds a little foreign or has a weird flag.”

“Folks, if I can’t pronounce it, they’re not coming in,” Trump declared from his Mar-a-Lago bocce court, waving a map of the world labeled only with “America” and “Other.” He added, “We need to keep America safe from people who come from regions like Upper Mongolia, Lower Mongolia, or even Regular Mongolia. I don’t trust any of it.”

Pressed for details, Trump advisor Buckley “Buck” Treadwell explained, “We’re using the latest technology—the President’s gut instincts and a copy of Risk—to determine which countries qualify as third world. If he doesn’t like their cuisine, that’s a red flag.”

Prospective immigrant Mariela Gutierrez expressed confusion, telling reporters, “My paperwork was all in order, but apparently my country’s flag had too many colors. What is a ‘permanent pause?’ Did he mean like a Netflix pause?”

Administration insiders revealed that Trump had also considered banning migration from “any country where people have never seen an episode of ‘The Apprentice,’” but ultimately decided that would be too comprehensive. The official White House statement maintains, “We will serve only the most familiar and least alarming of foreigners. Like Canadians, but not the French ones.”

No specifics were offered as to how this policy would be enforced, but Trump insisted more information would be provided as soon as he “figures out where Belize is.”