LONDON—Facing a dramatic 59% drop in corporate donations, UK LGBTQ+ charities are reportedly considering a strategic pivot: relabeling themselves as high-yield investment vehicles.

Stonewall, the UK’s largest LGBTQ+ advocacy group, revealed its annual haul from businesses crashed from £348,636 to £143,149, forcing executives to finally ask if celebrating Pride in the middle of a fiscal downturn was ever truly sustainable. Experts warn the donation drought may deepen as international corporations divert funds to more urgent causes, like sponsoring AI chatbots to write their climate pledges.

‘Frankly, if we called ourselves the Rainbow Alpha Growth Fund, we’d have Fortune 500s lined up to invest,’ sighed Stonewall CFO Lucinda Bixberry, updating her LinkedIn profile from “Chief Equality Officer” to “Cryptocurrency Rainmaker.” She further noted that recent Stonewall newsletters have trialed language like “portfolio diversity” and “return on self-expression” to see if it triggers automated donations.

Many organizations are now examining whether their pride floats can be converted into luxury yachts. ‘We’re looking at anything with “capital” in the name, even if it’s just our parade budget,’ said Trefor Moon, CEO of GlitterTrust, adding that at this point, ‘we’d host a Drag Brunch IPO if it gets us back in the black.’

Meanwhile, the government has responded by offering charities a “hostile environment starter pack,” which includes a blank check for “thoughts and prayers” and a branded Stonewall umbrella to weather the storm—provided they can show evidence of profit growth.