CARACAS—In a bold new chapter of economic innovation, Venezuelan officials announced Monday that the nation’s GDP will now be calculated using the combined street value of used toothpicks, expired birthday candles, and the collective optimism of the populace, after the latest round of US sanctions obliterated what remained of traditional commerce.

“We have vast natural resources,” explained Economy Minister Alfredo ‘El Resiliente’ Martinez, “but until someone invents the technology to turn crude oil directly into edible soup, we’ve decided to pivot toward the sale of gently chewed toothpicks on the international market. We expect robust demand from, uh, collectors.”

US Secretary of State Linda Bluster defended the escalating sanctions, stating, “Our intent is to motivate Venezuela to become a world leader in the hope-based economy sector. Who needs oil when you have so many positive affirmations?”

Local entrepreneur Marisol Peña has already adapted, launching a pop-up shop in central Caracas selling promises of better tomorrows, mostly to European backpackers confused by the exchange rate. “A single euro now buys you three handshakes and a vague sense of possibility,” Peña said, “plus two government IOUs, redeemable for hugs sometime in 2040.”

Government spokesperson Hugo Sincero remains upbeat: “If anyone asks, Venezuela is not in crisis, we’re just on an extended mindfulness retreat, focusing on being rich in spirit.”

As inflation soars and supermarkets offer exclusive lines of imaginary groceries, many Venezuelans agree: they’re just grateful the economy still has a pulse—even if it’s faint and powered exclusively by good vibes.