In a bold reaffirmation of First Amendment values, the US State Department announced visa bans on five European campaigners who reportedly harbored dangerous ideas about, among other things, not letting anyone say whatever they want online. The move, hailed as ‘an essential safeguard for American freedom,’ comes just days after officials reiterated their ‘full commitment to free speech’ — for Americans, and possibly three Canadians.

Among those blacklisted is Clare Melford, CEO of the sinister-sounding Global Disinformation Index, who was seen clutching a copy of George Washington’s Farewell Address while muttering about ‘facts’ and ‘public discourse.’ When reached for comment, State Department spokesperson Barry Squelch explained, ‘Free speech only works if people don’t go around disagreeing with it.’

British campaigner Imran Ahmed, also barred from the US, responded, ‘I merely suggested that Twitter might limit accounts impersonating sentient garden gnomes. Next thing I know, I’m being accused of hating liberty.’

Anna-Lena von Hodenberg, a German advocate for platform responsibility, admitted her organization once tried to remove a Facebook post calling Brussels sprouts ‘weapons of mass destruction.’ ‘If that’s a crime against freedom, then lock me up,’ she said, steeling herself for the possibility of never setting foot in Disneyland.

Meanwhile, Secretary of State Antony Blinken reassured the public: ‘America remains a beacon of free speech, as long as your beacon isn’t overly critical, European, or trying to regulate memes.’

Visitors to the US are now advised to check the Federal Registry to ensure their commitment to American-style free expression, which currently includes but is not limited to: unlimited hot takes, safely packaged conspiracy theories, and at least one opinion about Taylor Swift.