WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an exclusive 13-minute interview with President Donald Trump, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt sternly warned CBS News that the footage must be released “in full, uncut, and preferably with commercial breaks only for MyPillow and gold coins,” or face a legal offensive described as “biblical in scope.”

According to leaked audio of the exchange, Leavitt leaned into CBS anchor Tony Dokoupil and whispered, “We’ll sue your ass so hard even Paramount+ will be turned into a parking lot.” She then instructed network staff to “keep your little scissors away from the president’s wisdom,” referring to Trump’s 7,000-word answer detailing his plan to fix potholes via Space Force.

White House legal advisor Brickley Gunt chimed in, “If they so much as trim President Trump’s thoughtful five-minute musings on the history of ketchup, our lawyers will personally deliver cease-and-desist letters folded into origami eagles.”

CBS responded with a statement, “We are dedicated to journalism, transparency, and making sure any footage aired maintains a strict 78% Trump screen time ratio.” An anonymous CBS producer added, “We were just planning to cut out the part where Mr. Trump wandered off to inspect the lighting rig, but if that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen, so be it.”

Sources close to the administration confirmed that if the demands are not met, the White House will exercise its constitutional right to replace CBS’s entire programming schedule with reruns of Trump’s 2016 campaign rallies.