WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping move to address infrastructure concerns and national park attendance simultaneously, Congress voted 432-3 on Thursday to designate Cleveland’s infamous East 93rd Street Pothole as the newest entry in the National Park System. The freshly christened ‘Grand Chasm National Park’ will now receive $5 billion in federal funding, 12 park rangers, and a visitor center shaped like a traffic cone.

The pothole, measuring 17 feet wide and rumored to have swallowed a Prius earlier this spring, has drawn record crowds of adventure-seeking families and weary commuters losing hubcaps. Park officials wasted no time rolling out guided tours, souvenir pickaxes, and commemorative ‘I Survived the Grand Chasm’ bumper stickers.

‘It’s truly breathtaking,’ marveled local resident and newly minted ranger Terry McMullen, standing at the rim in a reflective vest. ‘Just last week, we had a hiking group go missing. That’s the kind of authenticity you can’t get at Yellowstone.’

Cleveland City Councilwoman Janelle Brock expressed relief: ‘Finally, instead of complaints, we’re getting tourist dollars. And if the park grows another six inches in the next rainstorm, we might even get our own geyser.’

Department of Transportation spokesperson Arnold Dreeves hailed the reclassification as ‘a natural solution to chronic underfunding. Why fill holes when you can fill hotels with visitors?’

The National Park Service has announced upcoming plans for the city’s next big attraction: The Sinkhole Historic Monument, pending the next bout of heavy rainfall.