• Politics

Trump Asserts National Security Hinges On White House Ballroom’s Ability To Deploy Drones During Weddings

Gloria HyperboleJune 1, 2026

Donald Trump criticizes a judge's decision blocking the construction of a White House ballroom and rooftop drone base, claiming the move gravely endangers both national security and high-society celebrations.

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• Politics

Historic Israel-Lebanon Summit Threatens Global Peace By Nearly Resolving Something

Gloria HyperboleMay 31, 2026

Israel and Lebanon officials meet for rare diplomatic talks while a federal judge allows Trump's mail-in voting restrictions to proceed.

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• Economy

NHL Braces for Record-Low Ratings As Vegas and Carolina Prepare to Compete for Stanley Cup in Witness Protection Program

Gloria HyperboleMay 31, 2026

The NHL braces for a likely ratings disaster as the Vegas Golden Knights and Carolina Hurricanes, two small-market teams, prepare for a Stanley Cup Final that is expected to reach an audience measured in the dozens.

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• Politics

Utah Election Integrity Shattered After Discovery That 0.013% of Voters Might Be Canadians

Gloria HyperboleMay 30, 2026

Utah releases an audit finding only 27 non-citizens on its voter rolls out of over 2 million, sparking theatrical hand-wringing over the state's electoral integrity.

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• Technology

Americans Celebrate Independence from Wall Outlets as Anker Launches Wireless Charger Two-Pack for Less Than Price of Latte

Gloria HyperboleMay 30, 2026

Anker releases a two-pack of Qi2 wireless chargers for under $25, causing tech users nationwide to celebrate newfound freedom from expensive charging solutions.

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• Politics

JD Vance Announces Bold Plan for ‘Trump National Golden Dome’ on Every U.S. Military Base by 2025

Gloria HyperboleMay 29, 2026

Vice President J.D. Vance announces the Trump administration’s plan to install massive golden domes on every U.S. military base, citing morale and international prestige.

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• Entertainment

Local 79-Year-Old in Thong Claims He’s ‘Just Inspiring Youth Fitness,’ Arrested Anyway

Gloria HyperboleMay 28, 2026

A 79-year-old Florida man was arrested for indecent exposure after repeatedly strolling through his apartment complex in only a thong, insisting he was promoting community fitness.

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• Politics

Pentagon Announces ‘Operation Potomac Overload’: National Guard to Blanket D.C. After Trump Discovers City Exists

Gloria HyperboleMay 28, 2026

Defense officials announce a massive National Guard surge in Washington D.C. after President Trump insists on more troops to secure the capital, leading to widespread confusion and new security measures.

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• Entertainment

Bright Eyes Nostalgically Laments How World Hasn’t Improved, Except For Availability Of Oat Milk Lattes At Concert Venues

Gloria HyperboleMay 27, 2026

Bright Eyes frontman Conor Oberst reflects during a Hollywood Bowl concert on how little the world has changed in 21 years, except for increased availability of oat milk and biodegradable glitter.

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• Politics

Judge Rules Criminal Charges Invalid Unless Defendant Draws Enough Media Attention First

Gloria HyperboleMay 26, 2026

A judge dismissed criminal charges against Kilmar Ábrego García, stating he was only prosecuted because his deportation case gained significant media attention.

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