WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a cordial White House meet-and-greet sponsored by the Mutual Back-Scratching Society, former President Donald Trump responded to questions about the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi by offering Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman a complimentary lifetime Platinum Rewards Card, granting free PR spin control after every $1 billion invested in Trump-branded real estate.

“These are tremendous deals. Murder, schmurder—I mean, who among us hasn’t had a little workplace mishap?” Trump commented while directing the prince to a gold-plated model of ‘Trump Tower Jeddah.’ “Frankly, when the Saudis invest, it’s just business. Khashoggi? Never heard of her.”

Trump also took the occasion to reprimand ABC News reporters present at the meeting, threatening to “build a really strong wall” around their headquarters unless coverage got “way more flattering.” He recommended they “consider buying a few condos in Riyadh to improve journalistic objectivity.”

White House event coordinator Tiffany Goldblatt praised the meeting as “the start of a new era in transactional diplomacy,” explaining, “With every ethically dubious check comes an equally creative justification package. It’s a win-win for democracy, as long as you define both those words the right way.”

A spokesperson for Dar Global stated, “We’re thrilled to announce that every Trump Plaza Jeddah penthouse now comes with a complimentary non-disclosure agreement and, for a limited time, a personalized denial from Secretary Pompeo.”

Pressed for comment, the Saudi Embassy remarked, “The only thing sharper than our knives is our eye for luxury investments.”