• Sport

Ambulance Cart Injures Second Player, Immediately Nominated For Next Season’s Starting Forward

Penny PunchlineJune 2, 2026

A medical cart rushing to assist an injured soccer player in Ecuador ran over a teammate on the field before nonchalantly driving away, prompting concerns about on-field safety procedures.

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• Politics

Colombian Voters Flock To Far-Right Candidate Promising ‘More Walls, Fewer Arepas’

Penny PunchlineJune 2, 2026

Far-right candidate Abelardo de la Espriella finishes ahead in Colombia's first presidential voting round, promising bold policies and facing left-wing senator Iván Cepeda in a forthcoming runoff.

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• Politics

Secretary Burgum Insists 250th ‘Nonpartisan’ Independence Concert Will Be Fair and Balanced, Just Like Trump’s Playlist

Penny PunchlineJune 1, 2026

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum insists the 250th anniversary concert series is nonpartisan and refuses to name donors, despite the event's overtly pro-Trump themes and mass artist withdrawals.

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• Technology

Meta Introduces New ‘Silent Whistleblower’ Program After Festival Panel Features 45 Minutes of Awkward Staring

Penny PunchlineJune 1, 2026

Meta's legal team forced Facebook whistleblower Sarah Wynn-Williams to remain entirely silent onstage during her Hay Festival panel, leading to an awkward, wordless event and sparking jokes about corporate transparency.

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• Economy

Arm CEO To Receive Billion-Dollar Bonus If Company Achieves Unimaginable, Clearly-Impossible Growth; Also, If He Discovers Cure For Baldness

Penny PunchlineJune 1, 2026

Arm CEO Rene Haas is offered a billion-dollar payday if he can catapult the chipmaker to a trillion-dollar valuation by hitting wildly ambitious growth targets.

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• Entertainment

‘Minecraft’ Movie Sequel Promises Double the Blocks, Triple the Existential Angst with ‘A Minecraft Movie Squared’

Penny PunchlineMay 31, 2026

The sequel to the hit 'Minecraft' movie is announced with the very on-brand title 'A Minecraft Movie Squared,' promising fans more cubes, existential dilemmas, and a runtime that will test the limits of the human bladder.

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• Politics

Judge Rules Mail-In Voting Restrictions Can Proceed, Citing Nation’s Proud Tradition Of Last-Minute Ballot Panic

Penny PunchlineMay 29, 2026

A federal judge in D.C. declined to block President Trump's executive order restricting mail-in voting, allowing the order to proceed for now.

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• Economy

CNBC Hires Ken Brown As Managing Editor To Finally Figure Out What A ‘Digital Strategy’ Is

Penny PunchlineMay 29, 2026

Veteran journalist Ken Brown joins CNBC as Managing Editor of Digital and Editorial Strategy, tasked with bolstering the network’s digital operations and demystifying digital strategy jargon.

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• Technology

Sony Offers Up to 50% Off PS5 Games, Gamers Finally Able to Afford One Additional Microtransaction

Penny PunchlineMay 28, 2026

Sony announces up to 50% discounts on PS5 games during the Days of Play sale, delighting gamers with minor savings and renewed hope of affording in-game purchases.

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• Sport

Mexico Heroically Volunteers Spare Couch for Iran Soccer Team After U.S. Says ‘House Full’

Penny PunchlineMay 28, 2026

After the US refused to host the Iranian soccer team during the World Cup, Mexico agreed to let the squad stay in Tijuana while they play matches in the US.

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