BEIJING — In a bold display of international tech rivalry, Chinese authorities have announced a sweeping cybersecurity investigation into American semiconductor giant Micron Technology following a shocking revelation: their chips are not, in fact, micro enough.

“We have detected chips with dimensions that exceed acceptable micro-ness,” stated Wang Xiu, Lead Investigator at the Ministry of Overreactions. “This blatant disregard for scale is exactly the kind of threat to national security our citizens fear most.”

The investigation comes just days after the US and its allies imposed restrictions on advanced chip exports to China, a move that experts say triggered a retaliatory response so nuanced even Micron’s engineers are still trying to understand it. “At first we thought they were joking. Then we remembered international diplomacy isn’t supposed to be funny,” said Micron spokesperson Todd Delaney, desperately trying to measure a chip with a novelty magnifying glass.

Sources report that Chinese officials have cited concerns that Micron’s memory chips could be used to “absorb state secrets through osmosis” or possibly “store embarrassing karaoke videos from Party meetings.” “We’re simply following the science,” explained cybersecurity analyst Liu Qiang. “If your chip can remember something, tomorrow it could remember everything.”

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Technology in Beijing has called for a return to “macro-safe” computing, encouraging citizens to use abacuses until further notice. “You can see every bead,” assured government advisor Li Yun, “and no one has ever hacked an abacus. Yet.”