BEIJING—Ratcheting up global technology tensions, Chinese authorities announced Monday they are launching a cybersecurity probe into Micron Technology, alleging the American chipmaker’s ‘suspiciously memory-oriented’ components may be storing more than just sweet nothings.

Insiders say the probe was triggered after customs officials noticed a shipment of Micron DDR5 modules refusing to forget a single byte about China’s 2021 Dumpling Regulation. ‘These chips claim to have ‘random access,’ but whose random access?’ asked Lin Zhu, Deputy Minister of Selective Security Concern. ‘Today they remember your spreadsheet, tomorrow they remember your nuclear launch codes.’

Micron responded with a carefully worded statement: ‘We assure authorities our chips only remember exactly what they’re told. If you tell them a secret, that’s on you.’ Meanwhile, Chinese tech analyst Dr. Hao Ding insisted, ‘It’s unclear if these so-called ‘memory’ chips might try to steal information from our trusted, state-manufactured abacuses.’

US officials have dismissed the probe as retaliatory, after the US and allies banned exports of key technologies like “freedom of information” and ‘unrestricted TikTok usage.’ According to an anonymous Chinese cybersecurity expert, ‘We simply cannot allow foreign chips to out-remember our domestic chips. It would be unpatriotic.’

At press time, Chinese regulators had reportedly detained a shipment of USB sticks for ‘refusing to forget anything ever.’