KYIV—In an unprecedented merge of international diplomacy and American holiday scheduling, former U.S. President Donald Trump has demanded that Ukraine accept a peace deal by Thanksgiving, reportedly because ‘everyone needs something to be thankful for.’

The Trump Plan, unveiled Thursday morning via a series of placemats at Mar-a-Lago, calls for Ukraine to surrender ‘maybe just the parts with the vowels’ to Russia by November 23, allowing both nations to move on to ‘Black Friday-level deals.’ Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy described the offer as ‘a real turkey of a proposal.’

Trump, addressing reporters from the Mar-a-Lago gravy boat, insisted, ‘If Ukraine just signs the paperwork before the yams come out, we’ll have world peace. If not, it’s clear they just don’t like Thanksgiving.’ The plan reportedly includes a $10 off coupon for the next Crimea annexation and a commemorative Trump-brand cranberry sauce for participating diplomats.

European leaders were quick to respond. German Chancellor Olaf Scholz called the deadline ‘an innovative approach to foreign relations,’ adding, ‘If only we had thought to time the Berlin Wall’s fall with Oktoberfest.’

Meanwhile, U.S. negotiator Rick Whitemeat explained, ‘The President thought about requiring a Halloween deadline, but didn’t want to scare anybody.’

With the pressure mounting, the world now watches as Ukraine weighs the impossible choice: sovereignty or missing out on pumpkin pie.