BEIJING—In a bold escalation of global tech rivalry, China has announced a major cybersecurity probe into US-based chipmaker Micron Technology, citing ‘deep concerns’ over the company’s suspicious ability to remember absolutely everything it’s told.

Officials from the Cyberspace Administration of China (CAC) say the investigation was prompted by alarming reports that Micron’s memory chips can retain information for years, raising fears that American technology is ‘hoarding secrets’ about Chinese TikTok dances, ground-breaking WeChat group chats, and the locations of every local hotpot restaurant.

“We simply cannot trust any foreign chip that might know what I had for lunch yesterday,” said Dr. Fang Xiang, lead investigator and amateur sudoku champion. “We have evidence these chips are capable of storing not only state secrets, but also high scores from Candy Crush.”

The probe, launched just days after US allies imposed new restrictions on exports to Beijing, is widely seen as retaliation. Chinese tech analyst Wu Peng explained, “This is a clear message. If American chips want to come to China, they must first undergo a rigorous state-approved forgetfulness training.”

Micron spokespeople have responded that their chips are incapable of espionage, noting, “Our memory modules are mostly filled with blurry vacation photos and five seasons of ‘The Big Bang Theory.’”

In a statement, the CAC warned further actions could be taken, including subjecting Micron chips to mandatory daily mind-blanking therapy and a ban on any chips caught knowing more than 256 megabytes at a time.