• Politics

DHS Chief Announces New ‘Election Obedience Task Force’ to Ensure States Read Trump’s Mind at All Times

Larry LiteralistJuly 18, 2026

Homeland Security establishes a task force to punish states that fail to align perfectly with President Trump's election demands, following his unverified claims of foreign meddling.

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• Entertainment

Academy Announces Oscars to Be Retired Following Death of Brenda Fricker, Citing ‘No Point Now’

Larry LiteralistJuly 18, 2026

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences discontinues the Oscars, declaring movies pointless after Brenda Fricker's death.

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• Politics

Leavitt Defends President’s Unwavering Devotion to 2020 Election Results: ‘He’s Just a Big History Buff’

Larry LiteralistJuly 17, 2026

White House press secretary Haley Leavitt defends President Trump’s decision to focus his primetime address on the 2020 election, citing his deep-rooted passion for reliving past victories.

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• Politics

Desperate Canada Launches Secret ‘Operation Maple Palm,’ Sends Citizens to Discipline American Teens

Larry LiteralistJuly 16, 2026

A Canadian woman was detained by ICE after allegedly slapping a Trump-supporting teen in New Jersey, sparking rumors of a covert Canadian campaign to discipline American youth.

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• Economy

SpaceX Shares Fall As Investors Realize Rockets Can’t Run On Vague Tweets Alone

Larry LiteralistJuly 16, 2026

SpaceX stock fell below its IPO price as investors questioned whether hype and tweets alone can sustain the company's ambitious space ventures.

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• Sport

NFL Agrees To Let Jon Gruden Call Game On Condition He Only Communicates Via Mime

Larry LiteralistJuly 16, 2026

The NFL allows Jon Gruden to return as a broadcaster for a preseason game, but only if he communicates exclusively through mime and nonverbal gestures.

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• Entertainment

Nation Stunned to Learn ‘Police Academy 2’ Had Characters, Mourns Passing of Guy Who Played One

Larry LiteralistJuly 12, 2026

Peter Van Norden, an actor best known for his role in 'Police Academy 2,' has died at 75, prompting a wave of confusion and nostalgic tributes from people who just realized he existed.

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• Sport

Strength Coach Insists Only The Weakest Freshmen Collapse During Grueling 150-Degree July Workouts

Larry LiteralistJuly 10, 2026

A former Bucknell strength coach was charged after a freshman football player with sickle-cell trait died following an extreme summer workout.

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• Politics

EPA Admits Diesel Trucks’ Five-Mile-Per-Hour ‘Limp Mode’ Secretly Designed To Let Drivers Enjoy Scenery

Larry LiteralistJuly 10, 2026

The EPA's controversial diesel truck 'limp mode' rule, accused of stranding truckers at five miles per hour, is facing repeal as officials admit it was less about emissions and more about encouraging drivers to enjoy roadside attractions.

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• Technology

Google Nest Thermostat Now Cheaper Than Hiring Toddler To Mess With Thermostat All Day

Larry LiteralistJuly 10, 2026

Google's 2020 Nest Thermostat goes on sale for $79, tantalizing homeowners with the dream of effortless, app-based temperature control.

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